Hi

To anyone the happens to stumble across my blog, and happens to get this as the first thing they see, or to friends (if any of them visit) and family (ditto).

I have brain damage and it's not the good type of brain damage where you're oblivious to the world around you and also the world you're living like those kids with down syndrome that are so perfect and nice to be around. Over-grown perfect children as I like to see them as... No that's not me, I'm not an overgrown child in my brain damage I'm a freaking lost adult like the rest of you. Not always sure where to go and what to do and at the same time don't desire not to follow the crowd but to be my own individual yet that's where I always seem to go wrong IE when I'm trying to be my own self. Yet that's not all the way true, but it's more when I'm trying to be kind and nice and care about others around me is when I make the mistake(s)... Take my Grandma for one (please ;) ) ... No if you take her take care of her, but watch out because she's like me and stubborn to the core with the attitude that what she wants is the only way and heaven help you if you get in that way or think opposite then her way of thinking... Yeah I'm a lot like her. The stupidest thing about thinking that way is deep down you know you're incorrect, but you seem now to be too proud to do (or not sure how) to act otherwise because you've lived the way you have for so long it's now an addiction or rather a compulsive action/reaction to the people around you. Like also the last 'girlfriend' of seriousness for example (another take her)(but take care of her please) something in both cases I find myself desiring to do, but unsure HOW to... And that comes back again to my brain damage. We're counseled to take care of our own (IE kids/spouse if you have any) but how do I take care of them when I can't even take care of myself? Boiled down it was ME that gave me this brain damage! ... ok now I get to explain that whole mess so you'll all stop looking at me like I'm a complete freak, hey but seriously stop looking at me as the freak and take a look in the mirror ... sorry when you find that you're more like me then you wanted to be without the brain damage (yeah so what's your excuse?) ... ok brain damage - So I get bit by a spider 12 days after divorcing my first wife (:( ) and 17 days after the bite (that I didn't take to the hospital cause 'I was too busy at work')(another whole blog in itself) anyways too busy at work to get to the doctor so the effects of the bite are I pass out at work and find myself literally waking up in the hospital surrounded by Drs, Drs in training, Nurses, and hospital watchers whose job it is to stop me from escaping from the hospital a feet I performed many times without much recollection at all. SO anyway I'm in the hospital and it's explained to me that I have brain damage... ok not explained TO me but overhearing all this... (till I lost the hearing) I have brain damage and it's from my one immune system attacking me and attempting to kill me. The 'Doctor' gives me an IV-drip that BOOSTS my immune system, but it's my immune system that's killing me so then she puts a block on the "boost" she just ordered with Prednisone which CRUSHES my immune system so it can't kill me further........ anything sound backwards to you? ...... yeah me too AT THE TIME, and I'm the one with brain damage!.... So the kid with brain damage has enough sense to know that what the "Doctor" is doing "for" me is backwards!!!! yet the "Doctor" doesn't see it? .. Isn't SHE the doctor!!!?!?!? ... all the years of training and to what!? a blindness and pride that says "I'm the "doctor" what I do must be correct because of all the years of schooling and training, but I'm toooooo blind and proud to SEE that what I'm doing IS like to fist on the same person trying to punch each other to submission." ...... FEEL my frustration yet? Oh it gets BETTER!!! I'm given the IV drip 3 days in a row (13-2500 a pop mind you) and at the same time receive a flu shot and the deafness/ringing in my left ear GOES AWAY!!! :):) I'm ecstatic!! SO I tell the 'doctor' about what happens IE 'The Flu shots are deigned to trigger your immune system to start making anti-bodies again the coming flu season correct? And you tell me that it's my immune system that is attacking and killing me SO wouldn't that say to you that what you are doing IS correct (referring to the IV drips and building up the immune system) but your problem is when you build up my immune system it tries to kill me so you stop it with the prednisone, but if you can distract my killer immune system with something like causing it to make anti-bodies, or something like that, the boosting of the immune system doesn't cause it to kill cause it's busy making/doing other things why not figure out a way to distract the immune system and then boost it so it can FIX my brain which it actually destroyed. EH sounds good to me! Let's try it!' ......... I get the look of "you're the patient and I'm the doctor and all the years of my schooling VS brain damaged patient" then a dismissal of what I just said added with a 'let's keep doing what I (the doctor) have designed in my skull to heal you OK?' ..... .. . ... So At this point I've lost all confidence (as you can probably tell) in this "doctor" .... I feel as if all her schooling has done is kick common sense to the curb... SO in the middle of all this war of my immune system my Grandma's tax-man's wife hears a G-ma made story of what is going on, and she recommends a Dr. of Kiensentology (reflexes and balance with nature) so I go see him, tell him my story and within one treatment by and through him (about a month long) I'm off prednisone and my immune system is done with killing my brain.... How did he do it? He distracted my killer immune system by giving it exactly what it wanted to kill - brain. ... no it wasn't human brain it was a pill that had components of bovine brain in it. And so my immune system killed all the brain is was fed till it got done and now I'm here about 1-2 years later classified as disabled, still brain damaged with a hearing loss the first Doctor not wanting to talk to me it seems and I don't know why other then I told her that my plan of distracting the immune system is exactly what the other Dr. did and I'm off prednisone! let's get me the IV drip again! :D.... to which she replies ' oh good you're off prednisone now your body will heal itself thanks for playing, bye' nothing.. no help just a feeling of a spoiled little girl that didn't get her way and a proud 'doctor' who's treatment didn't work out the way she wanted it to. ... ok so now moving on from the doctor-fun (sorry for the length of this, but it's my WEB LOB of thoughts so you all get to hear them and if you're bored www.homestarrunner.com) ok post doctor's now to the state.... So I'm disabled a title granted to me by a nice old judge who was cool, and my lawyers who got their job done and then cut me off to deal with my 'reward' .. 35,000 dollars through Social Security and a paycheck to help me each month, MediCARE insurance and everything is looking up for the first time in a while.... : .... Social Security is the biggest hole in the Government next to it's sisters Medicare and Office of Recovery Services. .. al of which I get the pleasantly deal with or worry over all the stupid time!!! So I received 10,000 of the 35,000 and I get the paycheck each month from them .... the other 25000.... ? .... Social Security (SS) claims the 'the system had put in that you were behind on your child support and that 75-80% of your MONTHLY payment would be garnished till your back child is paid off'.... so I go "that sucks let's just pay off the back child with the 10,000 I already have" so I do and then SS comes back with 'Seems as if the system took 75-80% of your WHOLE check (the 35,000) and gave it to the Office of recovery services (ORS)' ... "ok so then let's talk to ORS".. ... Call ORS and they say 'yup we see that we'll send payment BACK to SS' .. Call SS again .. 'ORS never sent that you need to call them' call ORS 'Nope SS is not telling you the truth you need to call them' and in the middle of calling each office of the Government I get a thing in the mail from my Lawyers 'WE got our payment we are closing your case if you want further help from us you'll nee dot pay us again, thanks for the money WE got, best of luck and congratulations' ..... .. For WHAT!? The ORS/SS Government run around!? ... Thanks.. You guys take care now ya'hear.... ... ok thought/subject shift... to this day that's about what it's like .. 25,000 "lost in the system" but monthly payments are still good.. and I'm missing my X but more my kids so I start thinking "I need to create a place for my kids to come with me so I can help help them along in this existence we call life" So I start looking some.. in the only place that truly is available to me In The Web (as with the brain damage I can't drive without being a threat to me an dothers) THE best place to go if you're looking for 'love' ... this world it so messed. .. Having sex with a person that you meet online and may never see again isn't LOVE, but that seems to be where our 'wonderful' world stands on what love is. .. anyway I go to a date site with people who I feel would be better then then 'love is sex' attitude.. and for the most part they are, but not by much .. ... ...

I took a break from writing that abovve cause I had other things to do, and now I'm back for a moment and I guess I need to make a point wiht the above story? The thing that sort of set me off about that whole post was how I was just feeling the weight of that whole ordeal and the crushingness of pretending that everything was still ok and alright and I know in the END of everything it wil be made right through the Atonement of Christ, but in the mean time I can't lie to myself and pretend because if you can't belive yourself then who do you go to... other then God cause that's a gimme ;) ... I've found, or so it seems, how this nation is being PUT into bondage by the devil it's the seeming just inability for people to mind their own business and WHEN someone make a choice of their own free will people will examine that choice over and over and over and over till there is nothing left OF the choice but critisism on "how it should have been handled" and bottom line that doesn't work for anything other then having yourself feel bad for putting down someone elses free agency and choice. Yes we all have oppinions about stuff, and it's fine to discuss different angles on a disicion, but bottom line once a choice is made it's made, and there isn't any turning back the clock to change that choice. .... So that thought has been weighing on me along with the finding of myself to be in about the same cycle of degenacy of thought always wanting to "correct" other people when in truth if there is anyone TO correct it is yourself because you're the only person you can control ... I had a thought come to me once on that.. let me find it... "The only person you can change is yourself, but by your example other's can see and choose to emulate" that's trully the only way to ever change someone is for them to actually change themselves, and if they don't choose to change themselves then you get to deal with it, but you can't burry yourself in worry over another person's choices that you don't agree with because that will only kill you... ok maybe not phisically, but living your life consumed in worry, pain and beeting yourself up over the things of the past isn't living and might as well be termed as "you're dead" ... another thought I had recently "There is nothing wrong with different becasue in the end we are all the SAME, Children of God" and as such brothers and sisters... how interesting it is that it is usually those within a family unit that we contend with the most. ... OK I need ot wrap this up.. so I'll end with how interesting it is that contention is of the devil, and that Christ's desire is that those things shoul be done away with, and I feel that He is the way for that to be done away with through His Atonement. and some scripture references to amplify my thoughts.

(Christ Talking to the Nephites)

29 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.
30 Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.
(Book of Mormon 3 Nephi 11:29 - 30)

(concerning His atonement as the way)

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
(Book of Mormon Alma 7:11 - 12)

OK good stuff and conclusion. the way to freedom is to forgive everyone
10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.
(Doctrine and Covenants Section 64:10 - 11)

So we need to forgive everyone, starting with ourselves. We start with ourselves becasue if we are not true to ourselves then we can't be true to others.

And I say that in the name of Christ, Amen .

Thanks for visiting, and I'll post more later.. maybe ;)

OK spell check says my spelling is crap and I forget to capitlize after every perceived new paragraph so I guess Spell check can eat it and I hope ya'll can read and comprehend my bablings... hey this is a pretty good look into my mind, and it's even hard for me to figure it all out sometimes :P